I get caught up in my own worries. I play possible outcomes over and over in my head. Then I ask everyone else what they would do if…this or that and they were me. I gather all these opinions of others. I mull them over. I think “what if.” I panic. Cartoon clouds appear over my head containing worse case scenarios, then they burst and rain down my cheeks.
I have never lived alone. I have lived away from home, sure. But I have graduated, have a job, am looking at apartments, have hardly a prospect of a roommate. My greatest fear is to be alone in the world. I worry that living alone will leave me sitting on my couch or bed at times wishing and longing for human contact. I worry that no one will answer the phone when I need them. Dramatic. Yes.
Secretly I know that the majority of the time, I will be be busy and content. I stay quite busy as it is. I think I would like living alone sometimes. I would like having my own space, decorated or clean to my liking. Quiet when I want quiet…music when I want music. Walk around naked…just kidding…
I was driving home today and saw this light in the distance and it struck me. That’s silly, I’m never alone. I may feel bored or a little lonely…but I’m not. Why do I always forget that He is there, wherever I am, always? I have needed to slow down and feel God for a while. Seems corny haha—“I don’t want to be lonely. I’m scared of living alone. Oh, it’s ok self, don’t be scared. God is your friend. He will keep you company.” I don’t think God’s going to chill on the couch and watch survivor man with me…but I do know that He is good.
I know that my life is good. I am so blessed. I will never be alone, even if I am the only person in some place huge–like the cowboys stadium or something. I have friends, amazing friends, scattered across the world as they may be, and my family… I couldn’t ask for a better family – although I wish one particular family member would come back to me. I miss him a lot. It’s not that I don’t love him the way he is…I just wish we could see each other clearly and be friends the way we used to be. That’s the one thing I wish God would wave a wand and fix. The one thing. He doesn’t work that way. Trusting is hard. Either sometimes God says no, or free will gets in His way, or He likes to prove his point that patience is a virtue.
End of story: every change sets me on edge. This change will be good when it gets here…but I’m going to save some more money first. Buy new tires. Pay off my car. In two months…maybe then. God is good (Unlike what those people behind me on a Match.com date at the Central Market cafe said about him the other day) God is very good.I just always forget to trust him.
On a funnier note: This is Molly running like a Kangaroo.