I sometimes read through my old journals and take a white-out stick to the pages. I white-out all the places where I was having stupid, irrational thoughts – where I was asking what-if, hating on myself, or hating other people. The only “negative” stuff I leave is where I question and get mad at God–because those thoughts and doubts make you grow as a person, and I think God likes us to think deeply and sometimes get riled up by him .
Soren Kierkegaard claimed that the Danish had become too comfortable in their Christianity and he valued the individual’s life choices and relationship with Christ. How can an individual have a real relationship without a few fights? I think every time I questioned God – I put distance between myself and the comfort of inaction and complacency. So I white-out every negativity except where I questioned Him. When I look back at any point, when I look back on a death bed ,I want only to remember the thoughts and feeling that were of value to me. Here is a journal entry I found compelling:
Oct. 21st 2008
C.S Lewis – Screw Tape Letter (Chapter 15) – (P.S- Nanna this makes me think of you)
“Biologically necessity makes all their passions point [toward the Future] already, so that thoughts about the Future inflames hope and fear…it will make them think of unrealities…the Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity…Hence nearly all vices are rooted in the future. Gratitude looks to the Past and love to the Present; fear avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead…[God] does not want men (and women: come on Lewis, let’s be politically correct) to give the Future their hearts, to place their treasure in it.”
That passage made me realize something huge: My anxiety and fear about everything is caused by looking out too far ahead of me. And when my head is in the “What-if” of tomorrow, I forget that I am happy today. I make myself miserable, so that I don’t realize that past “tomorrows” have come and gone without calamity. I live through each “tomorrow” without a thought of how the anticipated debacle did not come, but only with more fear of what is ahead.
And Therefore, “Pura Vida!” (Pure Life- a Costa Rican anthem). I live for today: God’s gift. “Today is the day the Lord hath made.Let us rejoice and find joy in it” Psalm 118:24. “So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its trouble” Matthew 6:34. “Who of you by worrying can add one hour to his [or her] life?” Matthew 6:27. I am happy now. Tomorrow does not matter. I will deal with tomorrow when tomorrow comes; if it is bad, the next tomorrow will come and – law of undulation- catastrophe can’t last forever. Life is all ups and downs. Regardless of our worries, each night we turn the lights out; the day is done and a new day begins. Live Strong. Live Now.